The Hidden Me

Several years ago I wrote an essay to apply for a scholarship, and the assigned topic was "Who Am I?" What a question! And can I ever really know?

There's an interpersonal communication model called the Johari Window, which discusses a person's human identity in terms of a window with crossbars dividing it into quadrants, each with a different label.

The "open" quadrant represents information known to both self and others. This included the facts that I have a brown/red beard, wear glasses more frequently that contacts, and almost never say "ain't" but pause every time I say "war" because a childhood speech impediment gave me a talent for pronouncing W like R.

The "blind" quadrant represents information about a person that other people know but the person does not. Perhaps you know a person who communicates with people in a way that comes across as rude, but the person does not mean to be rude and is unaware that it is taken that way. This communication characteristic would be in the "blind" area of the Johari Window.

The "hidden" quadrant represents information the person knows but others do not. Addictions, painful parts of the past, and anything else we just don't want to talk about fall into this category.

Then there's the "unknown" quadrant, which includes information that no one knows about the person. The person is unaware of it, and so are other people. So what's in this quadrant? No one knows. How do we even know it exists? Good question. It's there because Joe and Harry (the creators of the model) put it there.

Some people have large open quadrants and small hidden ones. Some have big blind and hidden areas but little open ones. The Johari Window can somewhat explain how a person communicates (extroverted, introverted, etc). And from this, we can understand and appreciate that different people are different.

Anyway, all this communication stuff came back to me when I read this meditation that the Henri Nouwen Society emailed to me today:

Friendship in the Twilight Zones of Our Heart

There is a twilight zone in our own hearts that we ourselves cannot see. Even when we know quite a lot about ourselves - our gifts and weaknesses, our ambitions and aspirations, our motives and drives - large parts of ourselves remain in the shadow of consciousness.

This is a very good thing. We always will remain partially hidden to ourselves. Other people, especially those who love us, can often see our twilight zones better than we ourselves can. The way we are seen and understood by others is different from the way we see and understand ourselves. We will never fully know the significance of our presence in the lives of our friends. That's a grace, a grace that calls us not only to humility but also to a deep trust in those who love us. It is in the twilight zones of our hearts where true friendships are born.